Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

Fish sans bicycle

on May 9, 2014

So I did some more dating.  I met a nice bloke and we dated for a couple of months.  Last time I was single, I’m sure only Americans dated.  But now we’re all at it.

Last night I emailed him to tell him it isn’t working for me. I really don’t know why.  He should be perfect: interesting, geeky, patient, literate, knows how to use an apostrophe.  We have a nice time together.  I like him.  But for some reason, it isn’t clicking.  It just doesn’t feel right.

It became apparent early on that I have some issues.  Every time he referred to us as ‘we’ I felt physically sick.  This doesn’t surprised me – I’ve spent a long time training myself to say ‘I’ rather than ‘we’ since Ex-Husband left, and I’m not sure how I feel about getting back into this ‘we’ business.  I’m not keen on commitment.  ‘Probably’ and ‘maybe’ and ‘possibly’ have become three of my most-used words while talking to him.  I didn’t want to meet his family or friends, and I can’t really imagine involving him in any of my life which involves anyone other than me.  It’s been painful disentangling Ex-Husband from my family and my social life.  Why would I re-entangle anyone else?  I have serious trust issues.  The normal things, and then some quite mental ones.  He has a four-year-old.  Or so he says.  Does he really? Does he really agree with me on various issues, or is he making it up? His flat looks quite temporary – has he really split up from his ex?.  Given my history, and the experiences of friends I have made since my ex-husband left me for someone else, it’s not surprising that I worry about these sorts of things, but it is quite tiring.

Part of the problem is my lack of free time.  I have three blocks of two nights without Big Girl and Small Girl every four weeks.  To make a relationship work, I think I would realistically need to spend one of those two evenings with whoever I’m seeing.  But I also want to see my friends.  And I need time by myself to do all the other things I love doing (and occasionally some housework) and it just doesn’t add up.

Part of the problem is my attachment to romantic notions of singleness (which I know is not a problem many people have).  I like being single.  I like the idea of going out and doing astonishing things, unhampered by attachments, like Joan of Arc riding into battle on a big white horse.  But (a) it didn’t end so well for her and (b) I do already have two small attachments and (c) I’m not sure there are hordes of people out there waiting to flock to whatever banner it is I would be carrying.  There’s a risk that I’ll just end up wandering around, lonely and carrying a flag.

But ultimately, I think, the issue was that, here, now, he wasn’t right for me.  If I had been excited enough about seeing him, I think all this would have been surmountable.  I don’t feel regretful – I think I’ve made the right decision.  But I am frustrated that this has not worked out; that I’ve met someone who should be perfect for me and yet appears not to be.  That we are offered stories of romance and happy-ever-after, but in reality inhabit lives which are far more complicated.  That I wonder if I am damaged beyond repair.

However, I’m young.  I’m not even thirty-five.  I’ve only been single for a couple of years.  For the first time in my life I have a good idea of who I am and what I want.  I have things I love doing.  I want to write – currently about mermaids and time-travel and also possibly something about fairy tales.  I’m applying for membership of the Quakers, and I am engaging with ideas and action and growing.  I still really enjoy sewing while listening to Radio 4.  I want to enjoy this.

 

 

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