Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

Everything is terrible. Everything. Well, sort of.

on February 22, 2014

I have PMT. Again. (My friend, colleague, and man-who-is-slightly-squeamish-about-female-oversharing, Simon, will point out that this is now the fourth time in two days that I have informed him of this).  You would think that someone, somewhere in the universe, would say ‘It’s ok, Ms. Awesome. You have done enough feeling miserable for one lifetime.  You are now excused from PMT’.  But no, I have spent the past few days feeling miserable and irritable and shouting at my children. And then, of course, feeling guilty for feeling so very irritated by my children.

It *is* hard, when your life is as difficult as mine.  I have no friends, my house is a mess, I am alone all weekend, and it is likely that I will die alone and be eaten by Alsatians.  Although none of these things are true, they *feel* very true just now  Well, my house *is* a mess, but there’s a fairly simple solution to that.

It’s been a funny few weeks.  I have felt like I’ve had lots of possibilities being thrown at me: I found a job I desperately wanted, and was offered an interview, my mortgage company agreed to consider giving me a sole mortgage – it felt like everything was open to me.  And then it all fell down again – the underwriters said no, and it turned out there was no actual funding for the job.

And now, two and (almost) a half years after Ex-Husband left, when I am finally starting to feel stable and happy, I am also able to see the damage the end of my marriage has done to me.  Every so often I discover that a fundamental belief I had about the goodness of the universe has gone.  This morning Ex-Husband picked up the girls.  He has a new car seat for Small Girl.  I say she is not big enough for it yet.  He says she is.  He takes away my baby in a car seat which I do not believe will keep her as safe as she needs to be.  I feel powerless to protect my children.  I cry all the way to work, bawling in the street in a way I have not done for a long time.  It’s not just my fears for Small Girl’s safety; it’s my realisation that the sense of efficacy I have always had, my belief that I can affect and shape the world around me, is gone.

And then, recently, I got out my flexible working contract and discovered that when I changed my hours at work, that was made permanent rather than temporary as I had wanted.  I had relied upon my right to go back to full-time work at any time as part of my argument for being given a sole mortgage, and for my sense of financial security.  But beyond that, I wondered if this had been done on purpose, whether my full-time contract had been taken away from me deliberately and my employers were trying to screw me.  This is nothing to do with the inherent evil of my employers – it was due to a misunderstanding and has been quickly rectified –  and everything to do with my fundamental ability to trust.  I cannot rely on the world to be kind to me. Neither can I trust my friends to actually like me or to continue to like me.  And, although I feel I would now quite like to have another relationship, I find it hard to believe that anyone would really want to go out with me, that anyone could like me that much, and that if they did, we would negotiate all the hurdles, all my fears and issues, that I could make another relationship work.

I know that these are irrational fears.  I’m not asking for sympathy or reassurance.  (Although if you know any funny, interesting, single men in their mid-thirties, I’d welcome an introduction).  I’m just not sure where the healing comes from.  I don’t know how I get past these things.  I have chosen to keep trusting people and so far I have not been let down.  I have set out to shape my life into something I want it to be.  I have chosen to look for the good things in my life.  But I still feel lonely and sad and afraid sometimes.  And I don’t think it’s just the PMT.

Perhaps I am learning to live with reality. There are people out there who can’t be trusted.  I can’t always control what happens to me or the people I care about.  This has always been true.  But in the middle of the cataclysm which caused all this destruction, I found compassion, graciousness, and faithfulness and extraordinary kindness.  I can hold onto these things and I can be brave and I can look for new goodness in an imperfect and uncertain universe.  It’s not over yet.

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