Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

An explosion of opportunities unfold before me.

Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Husband left me and my world fell apart.  I was discussing this with my best friend earlier and trying to summon even a tiny scrap of botheredness about the anniversary.  I just couldn’t.  She apologised for not sending a card.  I said I wasn’t bothered.  I apologised for eating every single one of the five Flakes I’ve bought to post to her in the past month or so.  We are still friends.

Recently I have dipped my toe back in the online dating pool, and this seems to have unsettled me more than the anniversary.  I didn’t really intend to go on a date.  I don’t want to date.  I am very busy.  I have two small children. I have a lot of friends and not much free time.  I’m changing and enjoying being by myself.  I like not having to consider anyone other than myself.  I hid my dating profile because I’m really not interested in a relationship now.

But then.  It’s late at night, my single-mums-on-Facebook-friends are talking about their dates, I feel a bit lonely and I think I’ll just have a look.  And somehow I ended up on a date.  It didn’t result in me nearly being murdered in Huddersfield.  We didn’t watch the worst first date film ever.  On those grounds alone I’m considering it a success.

Dating again was never part of the plan, and this makes me feel sad.  It’s confusing, and I am really quite baffled by the process.  I look at my profile and wonder who I actually am, because the person I describe in there is living this fascinating life and clearly has time to read the paper.  I wonder if my life is not ready for dating yet, because I don’t actually have enough free time to go on dates, let alone do anything interesting enough to talk about to the people I meet.

But it’s also quite exciting.  It’s a second chance.  I was young when I got married (though not *actually* a child bride.  Or even a teenager.  Not that young then…) and now I’m older and a bit wiser.  I have more of an idea of the commitment and compromise a relationship takes.   And the glorious range of ways of having a relationship that are available to me.  I don’t need a relationship to validate me now because I’ve been loved for ten years, and then I’ve learnt to live without that love.  So I can have fun, and I can be choosy, and I can just keep dipping my toes in when I feel like it, for as long as it makes me happy.


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