Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

I don’t even know what day it is any more.

on August 6, 2013

My newspaper was not delivered this morning.  Every Saturday I have the Guardian delivered, and proceed to read about a third of it, usually not including the actual news.  By the time Ex-Husband arrived at 10 am, and my Guardian still hadn’t, I was feeling quite irritated.  I would have to walk down to the newsagents to collect it, and they might have run out, and then they would say they would take it off my bill, but I’m never sure they actually do, and last time I went to complain because the magazine was missing, they laughed at me.  I’m glad, therefore, that I realised, before I left to complain, that the reason my Saturday Guardian didn’t arrive is that today is Tuesday.  It feels like a Saturday because it’s usually a Saturday when Ex-Husband picks the girls up from home.  I hope I remember tomorrow that it’s Wednesday and go to work.

My children’s access arrangements baffle me.  On Friday I went to nursery to collect Big Girl and Small Girl, and they weren’t there.  Of course, I panicked, that dull fear that rushes through me when my children are not where I expect them to be and I imagine a life without them in it.  Not that Ex-Husband would ever run away with them.  Just like he would never have left me with no warning that there was anything wrong.  And then the irritation, as the nursery staff explained that Ex-Husband had told them the day before that they would not be in because it was his day off.  And then annoyance, scrolling back through texts as I pushed an empty pushchair home, realising that we had arranged that he would drop them at home, and that I had forgotten this.  At least nursery think he is an inconsiderate arse rather than thinking I am an incompetent parent.  I probably won’t put them right on this matter.

Ex-Husband gets his random shifts about three weeks in advance, tells me when he is free to have the girls, and then we negotiate over when they will see him.  This is often quite stressful because there is no trust on either side, no shared understanding of the girls’ needs from access and very different priorities and perspectives.  And so I am living with one set of confusing and irregular access arrangements and negotiating a completely different set of arrangements a month ahead, often on little sleep and while trying to do a stressful job and look after two small and demanding children.  So yes, I get confused.

Ex-Husband’s training course comes to an end in a couple of months and then he will be onto random shifts until he gets a fixed shift-pattern.  I am hoping this will happen sooner rather than later so we can have one big discussion about access and then I will be able to plan ahead for nursery, and for the girls, and for my social life.  And so Ex-Husband and I will have less to discuss and less to argue about and more reason to move on and move apart.  And so I, hopefully, will only go to nursery when my children are actually there.



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