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The grief of endings and finding a new song

on May 26, 2013

I think I’m probably not the only person in the world late to the Dr Who party: there are spoilers in here.

I watched the Tenth Doctor’s final episode last night: heartbreaking, devastating, almost unbearably sad.  It had been prophesied that he would soon end; as long as he regenerated another Doctor would take his place.  We had seen him get older, weary, hurt at losing his companions, at damaging so many people, at the painful choices he had to make.  But still he wanted to carry on. After defeating The Master and the Time Lords, knowing he was about to die, he visited all the people he had travelled with, to see them safe and happy.  His loneliness, his aloneness, his loss, was so real and so painful to see.

Every time I watch something, read something which makes real someone else’s loss and loneliness, it taps into the still raw and unresolved pain and grief I have experienced through my marriage ending.  I haven’t yet found a way to resolve it because I don’t have the time or space to explore it, because I have two small girls who need me to be able to look after them, because I don’t know where to start.  And I experience that bereavement and grief again, and am left with the feeling, for a while, that my life can never be good again.

The Doctor, when he knows he is about to regenerate, is visited by an Ood, an alien with a tentacled face who carries his brains outside his head and looks like he’s been dreamed up by a five-year-old on drugs.  Just before the Doctor staggers into the Tardis and regenerates, the Ood tells the Doctor that his song is ending, but the story will continue.

I wonder if this is what I need to move on.  That song, the song of my marriage, my relationship with Ex-Husband, all that I loved about that life, has ended.  The Doctor didn’t want to end, and I didn’t want that to end.  But the story continues, and I will find a new song.  The difference, for me, is that the Doctor’s song ended because it was time and he was old.  My marriage was ended by someone else’s choice, painful and unnecessary.  And I think, to let that song go, I need to let go of that, to forgive Ex-Husband.  It’s difficult while we are still arguing over access and the divorce.  But if I can let go of that song and the pain of its ending, I can start to find a new song to which he is peripheral.

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One response to “The grief of endings and finding a new song

  1. Rachel says:

    Here’s to your new song. It will come.

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