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I am living in some kind of evil parallel universe

on February 17, 2013

Ex-Husband picked the girls up after lunch today and took them to his sister’s house, which is an hour or two’s drive away.  He said he would bring them back between 8 and 9 pm, pyjama-ed and ready for bed, and would let me know when he set off.

A long afternoon to myself is perfect.  It’s enough time to do some sewing and some housework and eat tea by myself, but I still get my girls back for bedtime. So I was quite happy when Ex-Husband texted to say they would be back for 9 pm, as this gave me extra time to deal with the massive quantities of laundry I have been washing today.

Except it felt weirdly familiar but strange at the same time.  My husband telling me what time he will be home with our children, after going to see his family – it felt so much like my old life and, for a moment, it felt hard again to believe that he wouldn’t be coming home to me and that we weren’t a happy family.  And I wonder when this will really feel real, when I will really believe that our marriage is over. I don’t love him any more and I am managing well on my own.  But I still feel like I have fallen into some parallel universe.  Or that I’m in a dream, and when I wake up I will ring him to tell him about the nightmare which felt so real, seeking reassurance that he wouldn’t leave me.  There’s still a vacuum in my life which doesn’t seem to be healing. My brain can’t quite adjust to the new reality.

And then my phone rang.  He was nearly back to the house but Big Girl had been sick in the car.  He was letting me know so I would be able to run a bath.  I start getting things ready, wondering how I will juggle getting Small Girl to sleep while also bathing Big Girl.  He said he would give Big Girl her bath while I get Small Girl to sleep if necessary, but there are some challenges around their routines and settling them.  He arrives home and manages to put Small Girl to bed still asleep, and then leaves.  I give Big Girl a bath and wash her hair and carry her into their bedroom, ready to tuck her into bed.

Except Ex-Husband has put Small Girl into Big Girl’s bed.  Maybe he really doesn’t live here after all.


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