Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

Christmas was fun, I’m glad it’s done – now I can get back to being awesome

on December 26, 2012

Well, that’s Christmas over.  I am so glad.

I had a good time.  I missed Big Girl and Small Girl.  As predicted, I cried in church.  I did do really well.  It was crying, but quiet crying.  Well, I thought so until the woman in the row in front went and got me some tissues.  Not so quiet then.  It was strange being back in the church we haven’t actually attended for a decade: a new minister, quite a few people I know, some people I thought I knew, lots of new people.  A lovely baby to meet, some catching up and the inevitable enquiry about where Ex-Husband was from someone who hadn’t heard that he’d left.

I did enjoy spending time with my family.  We all went to my middle sister’s house and, as an experiment, we went out to a pub for Christmas dinner.  It wasn’t like my mum’s but it was great not having to worry about cooking or washing up – very stress-free, which was what we wanted.  We opened presents, and I got to open them all by myself without any help.  I got a hefty feminist book, a funny feminist book, a sewing book, some socks, a sunflower plant kit, some socks, chocolate and a stair-basket.  I am yet to open my present from Big Girl and Small Girl, but apparently Big Girl chose it all by herself, so I’m looking forward to seeing what she thinks is exactly what I want…

And we played games, which led to arguing, which we quite enjoy.  We played poker and I discovered my mother is a bit of a hustler.  We drank.  I drank slightly more than I intended to (but not so much as to shock or entertain my parents) and therefore have a hangover today.  We also watched Dr Who.  I’ve watched it once before and now am possibly hooked.  We watched some Buffy, which confused me.  I slept a lot.

And now I’m home.  My girls are back, and in bed.  I did have fun, which feels like an achievement.  And there’s a part of me which wishes I could carry on having that child-free fun – eating what I want without help and while hot; not dealing with tantrums; not having to spend hours each night trying to get my children into bed; leaving the house without a half-hour logistical challenge to get everyone into coats and shoes; having conversations with other adults; not refereeing constant battles over the toy buggy; sleeping all night; providing cynical commentary to ‘The Snowman and the Snowdog’; not having to worry about where I put my hot drink; sitting and reading without interruption; not always having half an eye and half a brain on someone else. The transition for Big Girl and Small Girl coming back from their dad’s is really hard. They miss him and it’s a change and a disruption for them.  And it’s hard for me too. Not just to deal with two children crying for their daddy when they are with me, but also to transition from being able to do whatever I want to suddenly being thrown back into putting two small and demanding children first; dealing with all the challenges; dealing with two separate and conflicting sets of needs.

But slowly I find my stride, regain the rhythm, remember how this all works.  And Big Girl sits in my lap for a story and I hold her, and I can’t stop kissing her.  I keep touching her, as if I can’t quite believe she’s real; I want to reassure myself – and her – that she is back home with me, and that I am so, so glad.  (Small Girl is going through a phase of punching me in the face so, while I’m also delighted to see her, cuddling her is a bit more risky).

My plan for 2013 is to try to find ways to make this work better, this life, these transitions, for all three of us. I want to spend more time having fun with my children, making them feel secure and loved. I still really want to make sure we eat better. I have two boxes of papers I cleared off the worksurfaces and kitchen table four months ago which need sorting through.  I’d like to feel like our life is less chaos and more awesome. And now we’re past Christmas, I can try to make that happen.


3 responses to “Christmas was fun, I’m glad it’s done – now I can get back to being awesome

  1. Sanderson says:

    I have discovered your blog today and have managed to read all of them in between looking after a 6 month old (go me!).
    I love your honesty and how you have let people in at such a difficult and raw time. I don’t know if you ever go back and read posts but you can actually see your confidence as a single parent growing and just how much you have changed. I think you are a fantastic mother and whilst my current situation is complicated, should I end up being a single parent I will come to you for tips!!

    • Thank you so much.

      Part of me hopes that you don’t end up being a single parent, but actually I think there are a lot worse situations to be in.

      A 6-month-old? That’s a busy age for you! (Actually, I seem to remember them all as busy stages…). Is your baby rolling? Once they’re rolling they can get into everything that’s floor-level and it’s the beginning of having to constantly child-proof all your belongings. I love thinking back to all these ages I’m unlikely to revisit…

      • Sanderson says:

        We have yet to child proof but I am aware that it is imminent! I think I actually have quite a lazy baby as he first rolled a while ago and seemed to realise that as he had mastered it he no longer had to keep doing it!
        I hope I am able to keep my family together for all the obvious reasons but your blog genuinely made me feel that if things don’t go that way, I could do it. Being on my own would not be the worst thing, and essentially my happiness and his father’s is important too. Parenthood seems to involve a certain amount of loss of identity, and I think men may struggle with that more than women-but it is important to be happy. My son makes me incredibly happy, despite the tears and sleepless nights, but I think it is healthy to have other things in your life that make you happy-whether it be making something/a new skill/doing something out of your comfort zone. Now if I could just work out when i’m supposed to do these things….

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