Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome


on October 16, 2012

A year ago today Ex-Husband left me.  On the Friday he told me we needed to talk about our relationship but it ‘wasn’t terminal’. On the Saturday he told me he was unhappy and had been for a long time. On the Sunday he told me he’d had a long think and he didn’t want to try any more. And that was it: my marriage was over.

Last night I was thinking back to that weekend last year.  He’d been working nights so he went out on Saturday night and stayed out all night, thinking.  I didn’t know where he was and his phone was switched off.  I was waiting, increasingly anxiously, for him to come home, not realising he was never really coming home again.  Unable to imagine, comprehend what was about to happen.

Remembering that weekend felt slightly like celebrating Easter – I imagine that this sense was increased by the fact that my marriage was destroyed over the course of a weekend.  Christians remember the disciples’ grief and horror at Good Friday, then the burial and waiting on Easter Saturday (actually, the disciples were hiding rather than waiting. But as Christians already know the ending, they just do waiting).  And then the joy of the resurrection on Easter Sunday.

For me there hasn’t really been a joyful resurrection. It’s been a long slow crawl, pulling myself out of the hole I found myself in, finding support and love and encouragement from my friends and family – and everyone who reads and comments on this blog, discovering strengths I did not want to need, learning that if I didn’t do the washing up no-one would (really, I have put this theory to the test over quite a long time and it does stand up).

So I’d planned to celebrate today.  To celebrate myself and my children and the amazing people who have got me through this. I thought I’d have a lovely day out with my girls and then perhaps a really nice dinner.

It didn’t quite work out that way.  I’m at risk of redundancy at work so there have been assessments.  Today, rather than enjoy thinking about how far I’ve come, I’ve been in an interview explaining how amazing I am.  This is quite stressful. I also have a presentation to do on Thursday.  Small Girl has taken to refusing to go to sleep and then waking up and screaming and feeding.  This hasn’t helped. And at midnight last Thursday I discovered that my bathroom light wouldn’t turn off and the isolator switch for the extractor fan was fizzing as water dripped through it.  So it’s been a crisis weekend.

I’ve been thinking about how to move on from all this, to put what has happened to me in my past, to stop being someone-whose-husband-has-left-her-with-two-children to being… someone.  A single parent, but one who doesn’t need to tell everyone she meets about her tragic life.  Someone with an ex-husband, but without all the issues.

And I suppose this is the first step – to realise that my life does not need to revolve around marking the anniversary of my husband leaving me. Yes, it’s good to celebrate my achievements, and to thank people for their love and support, but this is my life now, this is what I’m dealing with now.  Maybe I can leave that separation in my past.


3 responses to “Resurrection

  1. Di Hooley says:

    I have followed your blogs and Facebook with prayers, sadness and amazement at your courage, honesty and humour. There are no words that I can say that will lessen your pain but I so want to say well done and keep going.

    Love Di

  2. You are an inspiration x Here’s to the coming year being even more Awesome x

  3. seaswift says:

    I know it’s not been easy but you should be very proud of yourself. You have survived this year and a first year is always hard because every day is an anniversary of a different life. You now know that you have the strength and courage to keep going in difficult circumstances. You know that you can survive next year and every day will be the anniversary of the strength that you found this year. Look to the future with hope and excitement. We are all with you.

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