Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

Time off

on June 2, 2012

It’s my weekend off.  Except I was back in A&E this morning as Little Girl’s cast had slipped and needed replacing.  And, for various reasons, I had Big Girl to look after as well.  This was a bit challenging as I didn’t think many poorly or injured people would want an inquisitive toddler paying peepo around their cubicle curtains.  There was also the dramatic moment when a nurse whisked our curtain shut and I saw three police officers escort a man through the room.  And the particularly tricky juggling act when Little Girl was in-between casts and needed holding while Big Girl needed help getting on the loo to have a poo.  Fortunately, the nurses were lovely and we were seen reasonably quickly.  I have to go back to fracture clinic on Wednesday for Little Girl to get an above-the-knee cast put on, which I’m not sure she’ll like.  But I’ve found myself feeling lucky that I got to spend an extra morning with my lovely children rather than peeved at having to have them both.

‘Weekends off’ are starting to feel like a more regular occurrence now.  But I still can’t quite relax.  I am used to being busy and always having more to do and always responding, watching, reacting to my children.  The idea of 31 hours entirely to myself is unfamiliar.  And I always have lots of plans – often to see people, meet up, do things.  I want to do more than I actually have time for.  As this blog shows, I’m a planner and a goal-setter; I love making lists and ticking them off.  So even my relaxing time is regimented – I feel myself getting anxious about whether I will manage to finish sewing my current project and whether I should be doing some cleaning and if I have time to have a bath as well.  Do I want to go to a Quaker service tomorrow when it will involve so much time on public transport?  I can’t quite enjoy my free time because I feel anxious about making best use of it.

I do have quite a lot of things I’ve committed to in my head – my NCT voluntary work, making a birthday present, organising Little Girl’s birthday party.  No-one will die if I don’t do them, but I will feel that I’ve let myself down.  And then there’s the housework – detritus is building up around the edges of my living room.  The cellar is full of dumped clutter.  I have to do some re-organising in preparation for Ex-Husband coming and removing a few items of furniture I no longer need and he wants.  So, should I be wasting precious child-free time on baths and films when I could be using it to make my time with my children run more smoothly and more pleasantly, benefitting myself?  I can’t really work out my own priorities yet, but I hope to get better at this with time.

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