Ugh. I’m feeling a bit miserable today. Little Girl is spending all morning at nursery so I’d planned to do some sewing. But I’m having some issues with my sewing machine which means the thread keeps knotting up. I can’t work out how to fix it and I’ve spent an hour of my free time trying. And all surfaces in my kitchen are covered either in washing-up or random bits of paper. And I’m due back at work in 3 1/2 weeks and am realising quite how few days I will get to spend with my children, and feeling very unhappy about this. And you know what? I still feel really sad about my marriage ending. In some ways, the realisation that my marriage is over and I have to adjust to my single life is only just sinking in. Being a single mum is really hard – there’s a lot of drudgery (cooking three meals, getting two small children to eat them, then clearing up – every day), juggling my children’s needs and making decisions by myself.
I’m not sure what to do with these miserable feelings. I have tried really hard to stay positive as much as possible – I think if I just talk about feeling miserable all the time I’ll feel worse. But I don’t want to ignore these feelings – I think if I do they’ll just come back and get me. I could run round punching pillows and kicking furniture and then dissolve into a big pile of weeping under my duvet (after all, both girls are at nursery so I can do that if I want) – but I feel a bit too tired for that sort of exertion – I’m saving my energy for going climbing tomorrow.
There are things I can do. I’m eating Nutella and breadsticks. It makes me happy. I’m going to deal with the washing up as it will make my life better and my kitchen feel less crappy – and it makes me feel more competent – sometimes I feel like, as a single parent, I’m barely surviving some days, and a feeling of competency is really important to me. And then I might have a bit of a cry. It doesn’t feel particularly awesome but sometimes it’s necessary.