Project Awesome

Making my life more awesome

Ugh

on March 14, 2012

Ugh.  I’m feeling a bit miserable today.  Little Girl is spending all morning at nursery so I’d planned to do some sewing.  But I’m having some issues with my sewing machine which means the thread keeps knotting up. I can’t work out how to fix it and I’ve spent an hour of my free time trying.  And all surfaces in my kitchen are covered either in washing-up or random bits of paper.  And I’m due back at work in 3 1/2 weeks and am realising quite how few days I will get to spend with my children, and feeling very unhappy about this.  And you know what? I still feel really sad about my marriage ending.  In some ways, the realisation that my marriage is over and I have to adjust to my single life is only just sinking in. Being a single mum is really hard – there’s a lot of drudgery (cooking three meals, getting two small children to eat them, then clearing up – every day), juggling my children’s needs and making decisions by myself.

I’m not sure what to do with these miserable feelings.  I have tried really hard to stay positive as much as possible – I think if I just talk about feeling miserable all the time I’ll feel worse.  But I don’t want to ignore these feelings – I think if I do they’ll just come back and get me.  I could run round punching pillows and kicking furniture and then dissolve into a big pile of weeping under my duvet (after all, both girls are at nursery so I can do that if I want) – but I feel a bit too tired for that sort of exertion – I’m saving my energy for going climbing tomorrow.

There are things I can do.  I’m eating Nutella and breadsticks.  It makes me happy.  I’m going to deal with the washing up as it will make my life better and my kitchen feel less crappy – and it makes me feel more competent – sometimes I feel like, as a single parent, I’m barely surviving some days, and a feeling of competency is really important to me.  And then I might have a bit of a cry.  It doesn’t feel particularly awesome but sometimes it’s necessary.

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6 responses to “Ugh

  1. I consider it a personal achievement if I get the washing up done,one day there will be bigger achievements but for now this is ok…..don’t rule out relate for yourself,I don’t know what I would have done without it…..even though kolyn wouldnt go with me I was able to work stuff out myself and my kids…..it took time but I got stronger with my counsellers help…..even though she wore hippy sandals which used to make me smile…….

  2. ooobop! says:

    There’s no quick and fast solution. It is so sad and so exhausting and so unrewarding at times. But time is the healer. It took me a long time of feeling like you do now but I can assure you that it gets easier and you will become a little stronger every day. You will feel rewarded and proud of your achievements and your children will have great respect for you and will learn much from your independence. But you must steal time for yourself, however tired you are. Sewing is my sanctuary. I get completely absorbed by it and I thrive on the wonderful comments by all the amazing bloggers out there. Its a great way to make friends online and offline. Sending you lots of wishes and hoping the rest of your day is sunnier. :-)

  3. Ruth edson says:

    Sorry to hear you’re having a miserable day. Sewing machines can be buggers sometimes. I too am having a rubbish day, I’ve been ill since last Friday with a kind of virus I think. Ive got the week off work so am annoyed I’ve got no energy to do anything. I tried to ignore it yesterday by just doing stuff but feel worse today. Perhaps sometimes, like you say, you just need to have crap days. Just been to the doctors who was lovely but I think it’s just a virus.

    Going climbing tomorrow will be good and we also need to arrange another night out soon. Hope tomorrow’s a better day x

  4. Just one tiny bit of advice if I may………Please re-read your post of 25th Feb. I think it will lift you up. It is all in your hands. Life isn’t going to be perfect but you’ve made a brilliant start! Everyone needs a sounding board sometimes :-)
    Avis x

  5. Merlin says:

    Loads of people out here think about you and care about you. It doesn’t mean you won’t have crap days, but when you do then remember you are not alone. Can’t help with the sewing machine, dogs I can fix, lions even, but sewin machines are a step too far. Punching pillows is OK, I’d advise against kicking furniture though, my experience is that it wins in the end.
    I do like that you have added Nutella as a tag! And all down to you I now have some on my shelf here. Which I suspect will be tomorrow nights tea as I have run out of money to buy anything else!

  6. Thanks, y’all :) Merlin, I will bear you in mind if I ever have problems with lions. Avis, yes, I reread it and it did help – thanks for the encouragement. Oobop – I really enjoy the distraction – it is good to be absorbed by something and focus on it rather than everything in my head. I had a quick look at your blog and I’ll be going back when I have time. Jude – the washing up is something I rarely succeed at – I will post a picture of my kitchen one day – but actually, it’s not something I care about that much. Maybe I’ll do an experiment and keep on top of it for a week and see if it makes me happy. Ruth – I hope you’re feeling better soon.

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